Friday, 14 January 2011

A WM on the Verge's Guide to Motherhood

I've noticed, since writing this blog, that Jan/Feb is when I get really fed up with being a Working Mum on the Verge and hanker back to my old, carefree, child free, easy life. In fact, I started this blog in February when I was feeling weary with the drudgery of it all. I know it will pass as Spring returns, but in the meantime...........

To warn my still childless friends of what would befall them should they venture over the precipice into motherhood I am now going to post five things that no-one ever tells you before you have children:

1 You will never finish a cup of tea again.

Yes, my friends, enjoy that peaceful cup of tea from start to finish because you'll forget what that is like. After 3 - 4 years of motherhood, you may think that you can do it. You make that cup of tea, sit down and take the first sip, but then......................... "Mummeeeeeeee, can you wipe my bottom?" or a child will appear in front of you in tears having spilt/lost/broken something that you then have to clean up/find/repair. No, that undisturbed cup of tea is now the stuff of legends.


2 You will never enjoy a bar of chocolate again

Should you be lucky enough to sneak a bar of Green and Blacks into your shopping basket without your offspring noticing, you won't be able to enjoy it. You either have to eat it in secret in the kitchen while your child is engrossed in CBBC or suffer the accompanying whining of "Can I have some? Why not? That's not fair, you have chocolate and I don't. Wah, wah, wah" taking all the enjoyment out of that piece of Maya Gold.

3 You will never go out with your husband again.

You will go out, just not together, because going out together would entail arranging a babysitter. This means that either you hire one thus doubling the cost of your evening, or you have to chauffeur one to and from your house before and after the event or you engage your MIL. Let's face it, after a lovely night out with your husband, who wants to come home to face the MIL? Much easier to get a DVD and a takeaway and never speak to your husband again.

4 You will never read a book on holiday again

I used to take 9 or 10 books on holiday with me, lie down on a sunbed for a fortnight and read them. Now the chances of getting past chapter one are virtually zilch. Books are for the undisturbed, childless holidaymaker. Mothers have to admit defeat and buy a magazine (just one is enough) at the airport and dip into it five times during the fortnight.

5 You will never see a film when it is released.

The only time you will go to the cinema will be for the Odeon Kids Movie on a Saturday morning. You will be an afficionado of all films by Disney, Pixar and Dreamworks and will know all the names of the Chipmunks (including the girls). All other films will be ordered from Lovefilm to watch at home when they are released on DVD (see point 3).

So there you have it.

WM's guide to things they never tell you about motherhood.

Be warned!





13 comments:

Catharine Withenay said...

Oh, so true...

Suburbia said...

So true! If only I'd known!!

Kelloggsville said...

number 4 smarts so badly. This year even the magasine stayed unopened - I thought it would get easier as she got older, but now her bed time is the same as mine so I dont even get an hour after she is asleep!

Lorraine The Party Times said...

you also never get to finish conversations!!!while children are awake chats with friends are so frustrating - pretty much the same as attempting to finish a cup of tea really!!

Studentmum said...

By the time they are 15 you can do all that! Although your clothes & shoes won't be your own any more and they will go to bed after you!

Alcoholic Daze (ADDY) said...

Believe me, it gets worse!

Ditzy Mummy said...

Oh, the bit about chocolate is so true. I do find myself hiding from them. My friends without children never believe the bit about a cup of tea (or the one I always add which is never going to the toilet on my own without 1 of 3 following me).

Sally said...

I've just been working on a post about exactly number 3!

Secret confession: I go to the cinema during the day. I have this brilliant card from Odeon which gives me cheap tickets on a Tuesday, and I can get a posh seat and popcorn for eight quid. Bliss...

Mrs Average said...

So true, as is Lorraine's comment about never finishing a conversation!! Oh and your clothes end up ruined - milk stains, snot marks, orange food blobs..... need I say more.

The Inbetweeners Yummy Mummy said...

very, very true indeed! xXx

Crystal Jigsaw said...

This is a brilliant post and has totally cheered me up on this Monday! Now that Amy is 11, I am finding it a little easier to do my own thing, though our children do overwhelm our lives on a particularly grand scale!!

CJ xx

scrappysue said...

it ain't all bad tho - in fact, sometimes, it's downright fabulous and wonderful! and depending on how many decent hiding places you have, you CAN enjoy a whole chocolate bar. i hid mine in the vege bin for years before they figured that one out.....

Polly said...

i have been known to hide the chocolate in the washing basket and gobble while hanging on the line....